Late Night Ramblings

I love days when you wake up, excited to live your life.  I get to have one of those days today. 

I have rehearsal in the afternoon, for a beautiful piece of music I’ll be performing on Sunday night - John Corigliano’s Fern Hill, and the orchestra and chorus are going to be wonderful.  I got to see some of the orchestra perform last night - wow.  Tchaikovsky’s Fifth Symphony has a fourth movement to die for. 

Then, I get to go see my family in Harrisburg, PA.  Oh, and this is not just any family engagement - it’s my nephew and neice’s birthday party, and one of my favorite people in the world, my grandfather, is coming up from Florida for the soiree.  :) 

The best thing about all of this?  My grandfather, yes, Pop-Pop, almost died this fall because of his heart.  Well, the doctors fixed him up as well as they could, and I’m just so excited that he’s actually well enough again to make the trip up to PA from Florida.  My Pop-Pop’s the kind of grandfather who calls me devil and would always help me do backflips in the pool when I went to visit him as a kid.  I know nobody lives forever, but I can’t tell you how happy I am that he’s still around.  I can’t wait - I’ll have to post some pictures - wait until you see my niece and nephew - they are so cute!!!!!

Happy birthday, Kari!!

Before I let my thoughts run away from me, let me just say that the performances this week went fantastically, thanks to a lot of hard work and some amazing colleagues.  I love my classmates in the Maryland Opera Studio, and I’m so thankful to have landed in this place, with these people, at this time in my life.  What an amazingly talented and beautiful group of good people!

It is hard to find, isn’t it?  At 27, I think now that I know so much and so little.  Oh, I’m still learning, by far.  I’m so much younger than I feel sometimes when compared to my colleagues.  In fact, I seem to keep stumbling upon crash courses in my life, and I’m not sure wither they come.   Just when I think I’ve found an answer, it’s contradicted, and I suddenly have more and more questions. 

Is there such a thing as a truly good man, or woman, for that matter?  Would we ever be happy with one anyway?  Happy with myself - that seems to be the direction in which I’m heading.  We’ll see.  For now, I’m thinking about a song written by an 18 year-old with an amazing perspective on life.  So much for the age/maturity equation.  As for faith, well, I wouldn’t be me if I gave up hope in the seemingly impossible dreams and, especially not, in my difficult but achievable goals and hopes.  For now, lullaby, good night - and sweet dreams.

Hi!!!

Happy Easter, Passover, etc.  Boy, has spring come and gone quickly around here!  I guess I’ve been busy, but summer sure does come quickly to Maryland!  I know it’s been a while since I’ve philosophized, but I figured you all could use a break. 

In that light, here’s a bit of a plug for some of my upcoming performances.  We tried our scenes out today in front of quite an audience in the large foyer of our gorgeous performing arts center, and they went so well.  I’m happy to invite you all to come and see them, if you’re in the DC area or can make it here next week. 

Upcoming solo performances here at the University of Maryland’s Clarice Smith Performing Arts Center: 

Next Wednesday, April 26, and Friday, April 28, at 7:30pm – An evening of opera scenes

• I’ll be performing the role of Concepcion in scenes from L’heure Espagnole by Maurice Ravel, where I look for “love” in all of the wrong places and even manage to throw a bona fide diva fit.  I’ll also be playing Veronique in scenes from Bizet’s Le Docteur Miracle.  A bit of dance and a little danger rounds out an exciting evening of scenes from several brilliant and well-loved operas in the Gildenhorn (inside the Clarice Smith Center).

Next Friday, April 29 (Maryland Day), at 1:30pm – Scenes from Il Matrimonio Segreto

• As part of the Maryland Day celebration, the covers for this year’s opera will be performing scenes from Il Matrimonio Segreto, accompanied by piano, on the set of the production in the Kay Theater (inside the Clarice Smith Center).  I’ll be performing as Fidalma, the widowed aunt, in a trio from the opera (If you’d also like to see the second year students of the Maryland Opera Studio in the full production of Il Matrimonio Segreto, you can see it on April 21, 25, 27, and 29 at 7:30pm and on the 23^rd and 30^th at 3pm).

Sunday, May 7, at 7:30pm – Spring Choral Showcase

• I’ll be performing the mezzo soprano solo in John Corigliano’s Fern Hill, a beautiful piece for chorus and mezzo soprano, accompanied by strings, piano, and harp.  Also on the program are Benjamin Britten’s Five Flower Songs and Brahms’s Neue Liebeslieder Walzer.

Hope to see you there!!

Summer is coming to Maryland via quite a warm spring.  Some things are inevitable and will come to pass, whether we want them to or not.  Personally, I’m enjoying the warm weather, although I wish I had skied more this winter.  Oh well - at least I got to ski in Utah, right? 

Back to the point - I know no psychics, and I’m not sure I would take their advice anyway if I did.  There’s a certain mystery to life, not always knowing what will come next, seasons and other predictable events aside.  With mystery, though, comes uncertainty and decisions.

How do we decide what to believe in life?  I guess I’m blessed in some of the whole certainty concept, since my faith in God and in my chosen career path has been pretty solid since I was just a kid.  Two of the biggest ones are down, right, so I should be happy?

Well, I’m not.  Not always, anyway.  How does one ever know what to believe, when it comes to everyday life and love?  Is there ever a point where it’s okay to have faith for the impossible, and when does one know to give it up?  Even more, when one does decide to give up hope, how does she go about doing it? 

I may never have the answers, but for now, I think my only possible plan of action is to focus on the things I believe in that I know I should believe.  As for everything else, hopefully I’ll be mature enough to handle whatever comes my way, by the time my life catches up with all of my questions.

In the meantime, I have some cherry blossoms to enjoy.

How does anyone really know who to trust in life?

Perhaps my collegiate-inspired chase after fun and other hedonistic pursuits has gotten me a bit ahead of myself.  I don’t think I’m alone in this, but I always start out the new year, the new semester, the new day, with the perspective that there’s no point in pleasing other people, that it’s okay to be alone, and that focusing on performing and studying is of paramount importance anyway in this career.

Ideally speaking, I know all of these truths are wise, but when it comes to living, I find old habits of emotion as hard to kill as old habits of action or inaction.  Some people unhealthily crave cigarettes, drugs, or alchohol, and most of us at one time or another (if not forever) crave sex and/or intimacy.  I personally keep finding myself back at the craving of other people’s approval which, quite frankly, I would really like to quit already.  Anyone know of a patch for this one?

Isn’t it enough to have the approval of myself and of God?  As an added bonus, isn’t the applause of the audience enough at the end of the day?  As a performer, I have to ask myself, "Isn’t the approval from your professional pursuits more than enough to satisfy your addiction?"  Why do I need to seek it in my personal life too? 

The real answer is, I don’t.  I’ve known this for quite some time now, yet here I stand.  I know that I don’t need approval from an old pastor, ex’s, friends, family, or colleagues.  It’s always important to seek wisdom and advice, although I have learned the hard way of late the ever-important and often repeated lesson that requests for advice can often turn into the fodder for gossip and judgment. 

I guess the answer is, find some few and rare confidants who love you for who you are and are wise enough to remind you of the hard truths in life without judging you or trying to run your life for you.  Oh, and of course there’s the second half of that "answer" - make sure those people are as trustworthy as they are wise. 

I had a lot of fun at a Jake Heggie concert last night with my friend Perry.  I couldn’t say enough about this composer who was so grounded and content in his life.  Not like the kind of person who’s happy because he’s never suffered - more like the kind of person who breathes joy into life through his music because he took the time to come to terms with travesties like his father’s suicide when he was only 10. 

My Saint Patrick’s Day experience only further reminded me of friendships, including the friendship with ourselves, which we all need to trust enough to restrict ourselves to seeking wisdom, rather than approval, from others.  Jake Heggie set this text to music by Sister Helen Prejean (author of Dead Man Walking):

"I live my life in primary colors

I let praise or blame fall where they may.

I hold my soul in equanimity

And leave the fruits of my labors to God.

At night, when I pray, I catch on fire;

And when I put my head on the pillow,

I fall instantly to sleep."

May we all live life in primary colors someday - soon.

After talking with a good friend of mine this weekend, I can’t stop thinking about the value of marriage, versus the value we place, or don’t place, on marriage in the 21st century. 

In May 2001, the CDC released a survey reporting that 20% of all first marriages end in divorce by the 5th year of the marriage.  It further reported 50% ended in divorce by year 20.  Interestingly enough, these statistics were higher for people who married earlier (only 5% total when the women were at least 35 when they married).

For those of you who hate statistics, let’s look at the performing profession.  My friend, in the beginning of a new singing gig, said all of her friends there (who shall remain beyond nameless) who were married had already begun cheating on their spouses while away.  Scary!?  Then again, we all know someone, if not ourselves, who eats it all up at the checkout line when it’s Jessica Simpson or Brad Pitt doing the divorcing or potential cheating.

With partnerships becoming as successful as marriages, if not more, and the rise of older, single women deciding to raise children alone, I have to assume most of this is the direct result of the same factors our teachers lectured us about since the 6th grade - sex and "peer pressure."

I joke around that I was married at such a young age (22) because I played the game of Life (you know the one with the pegs and the little cars that have to stop at the chapel) one too many times as a child.  Seriously though, how many times have we heard our friends starting to notice all of their friends getting married or having babies?  Somehow, our clocks tick, and we’re afraid of what will happen to us if we don’t find someone to give purpose to our lives soon.  All of the unintended "peer pressure" aside, what ever happened to finding purpose in our own lives before committing ourselves to someone else’s too?

As for the sex, perhaps I’m just bitter because my housemate, for the love of hot water, doomed me to the fate of having to take a very cold shower after an already freezing weekend in Cleveland.  Despite my Christian beliefs and subsequent sacrifice of once waiting for marriage, I always have been a sensual person and never did like cold showers. 

Although I married my ex-husband for many more reasons than simply pressure and sexual frustration, 22 years is a long time to wait and an incredibly good excuse to shorten an engagement to only 3 months.  Married at 22 with little life experience, no sexual experience, and just barely more than a year to get to know my husband before marriage, one hardly wonders how I became a statistic. 

Now that I’m single again, I find myself wondering about it all.  I wish I were as enlightened, patient, and determined as my friend Trey, who married his wife Kristin after years of waiting against all odds, fully certain he had heard from God that they were intended for marriage to one another.  But few of us hear from God that clearly, and even fewer really listen to him in the end.  For those who can wait and do and have successful marriages, your life is truly a beautiful miracle.

Would I recommend it to your average person or even, dare I say your average person of faith?  Not unless you can look at yourself and say you know yourself fully, and not unless you have known your intended long enough to say you’ve been patient enough to know them too.

The worst thing is watching someone you love follow the very same pattern of rushing into marriage because, like you, they have decided to wait for sex.  When your own life example obviously wasn’t enough to make any kind of impact, it’s always good to pray for miracles, or at least a stronger person, if they end up on the wrong side of the 50% divorce tracks.

As for my profession, yes, it freaks me out to no end that entire companies of performers cheat on their spouses.  As a 27-year old, divorced, classical student of performance, I suppose I can only work to know myself as fully as I possibly can, keep doing what I love in life, love what I believe, and hope for the best when it comes to love and life.  Finally, I’ve realized - I’m human, and I’m still worth it.  In fact, I always have been.

Happy V-Day.  And much thanks to my mom, who never ceases in her sweetness to send me chocolate from Aunt Charlotte’s in Jersey.  My friends at school are enjoying the chocolate-covered coconut - as am I. 

This year is different, that’s for sure.  Perhaps for once in my life I will have to force myself to look at my past, present, and future and accept them all as they are and may be.  That isn’t such a bad thing, and it’s about time.

I drove past a man playing basketball by himself in the snow this morning and three hours later, he was still there when I came home for lunch.  He seemed to have no problem at all being alone. 

Then I turned on the television for a short period of time and saw Bob Ross, the man who did "The Art of Painting" on public television.  As he painted his happy trees, I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to live in the shoes of these two men, differently absorbed with activity and nature, not overly concerned with the affairs of the world, either nearby or far away.

Then again, how else would we be able to follow the unhappy saga of Dick Cheney’s hunting accident?  In all truth, let’s hope Harry Whittington manages to recover and head back to nature.  Perhaps in the future, he’ll consider spending some time in it without a gun or Dick Cheney.

Did I mention it was V-Day?  Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.  I hope my friends and family know how much I truly love them.

Step right up, folks.  Feel free to read my first (finally, I know) "review."  Sigh.

Thanks to the Baltimore Sun, I can rest assured that I am a "very promising" opera student, capable of delivering "real Mozart" with my friends Mehan McCall and Darren Perry.  Of course, none of our names were actually mentioned.  Oh, but by the way, Meghan and Darren’s "La ci darem la mano" rocked the house.

"For real Mozart, there were opera excerpts featuring very promising student voices from the Maryland Opera Studio."

On my way home tonight after a great superbowl party at my friend Kari’s house, I stopped at a very odd intersection.  I didn’t see any strange people or things - only a little possum turning around.  He didn’t really seem to be chasing his tail or anything, just endlessly turning around in circles. 

My sister has two amazing children and has a new job and a new house she loves.  Her husband was finally promoted this fall.

My cousin, Randy, was just called the "force behind the four stars" (referring to his position of general manager for the Union Square Hospitality Group) in an article about his rise to success in Crain’s New York Business magazine.

Tanner won the Regional Metropolitan Opera Competition and is headed to NYC to compete there in March. 

Cassandra’s got airline tickets to go backpacking in Europe and visit her sister in Italy this spring and is well on her way to becoming a Physician’s Assistant.

I’m headed to Cleveland in two weeks to see Nick do his first major professional role in an opera, and I’m finally settling in to a great new home in College Park and a great master’s program for me in opera performance.  The acting training here is beyond comparison in terms of operatic training. 

"What’s the point?" you ask?  If everything in life seems to be going so well for so many people, then why do I sometimes feel so much like my friend the possum, ever turning in circles without a clear answer as to which way I should go?  Then again, may be he’s got it right.  When you don’t know what to do with yourself, may be it’s okay to turn in circles until you find the right direction.  At least, turning in circles, you’re bound to get some exercise.

On that note, I’m off to learn something about art and music, as "mutual partners."  Wish me success.

Sadness washes,

Like a blanket newly thrown

upon a bright September day.

Aching, from the pain of

knowing nothing can be done

to reverse the chains of the past.

Missing a good man,

hoping his wife will survive

the heartbreak left behind.

Farewell, Enrico.

I just found out today that my old voice teacher, Enrico di Giuseppe, passed on January 6, 2006, from cancer.  He was an amazing man with a beautiful family and a brilliant opera career.  He is missed sorely by many, and I can only pray his wife Lorna finds peace and support in her friends and family in this time more difficult for her than I can imagine.  If you want to see a full article from the New York Times, they have done him far more justice than I can right now.  My favorite highlight from the article, is totally Enrico:

"While some American singers have been known to Italianize their names, Mr. Di Giuseppe’s name was his birthright.  ‘I am not Henry Joseph,’ he told an interviewer in 1973. ‘My parents were from Italy, and I am me!’"

Good bye to a good, good man.