Primary Colors
How does anyone really know who to trust in life?
Perhaps my collegiate-inspired chase after fun and other hedonistic pursuits has gotten me a bit ahead of myself. I don’t think I’m alone in this, but I always start out the new year, the new semester, the new day, with the perspective that there’s no point in pleasing other people, that it’s okay to be alone, and that focusing on performing and studying is of paramount importance anyway in this career.
Ideally speaking, I know all of these truths are wise, but when it comes to living, I find old habits of emotion as hard to kill as old habits of action or inaction. Some people unhealthily crave cigarettes, drugs, or alchohol, and most of us at one time or another (if not forever) crave sex and/or intimacy. I personally keep finding myself back at the craving of other people’s approval which, quite frankly, I would really like to quit already. Anyone know of a patch for this one?
Isn’t it enough to have the approval of myself and of God? As an added bonus, isn’t the applause of the audience enough at the end of the day? As a performer, I have to ask myself, "Isn’t the approval from your professional pursuits more than enough to satisfy your addiction?" Why do I need to seek it in my personal life too?
The real answer is, I don’t. I’ve known this for quite some time now, yet here I stand. I know that I don’t need approval from an old pastor, ex’s, friends, family, or colleagues. It’s always important to seek wisdom and advice, although I have learned the hard way of late the ever-important and often repeated lesson that requests for advice can often turn into the fodder for gossip and judgment.
I guess the answer is, find some few and rare confidants who love you for who you are and are wise enough to remind you of the hard truths in life without judging you or trying to run your life for you. Oh, and of course there’s the second half of that "answer" - make sure those people are as trustworthy as they are wise.
I had a lot of fun at a Jake Heggie concert last night with my friend Perry. I couldn’t say enough about this composer who was so grounded and content in his life. Not like the kind of person who’s happy because he’s never suffered - more like the kind of person who breathes joy into life through his music because he took the time to come to terms with travesties like his father’s suicide when he was only 10.
My Saint Patrick’s Day experience only further reminded me of friendships, including the friendship with ourselves, which we all need to trust enough to restrict ourselves to seeking wisdom, rather than approval, from others. Jake Heggie set this text to music by Sister Helen Prejean (author of Dead Man Walking):
"I live my life in primary colors
I let praise or blame fall where they may.
I hold my soul in equanimity
And leave the fruits of my labors to God.
At night, when I pray, I catch on fire;
And when I put my head on the pillow,
I fall instantly to sleep."
May we all live life in primary colors someday - soon.
